Tuesday, October 20, 2009

ladies and gentlemen, I look like sh*t

Let's be clear: I could never be described as being "beauty conscious". Far from it, in fact. Of all the things in life that weigh heavily (or even lightly) on my mind, the acceptability of my appearance is rarely among them. Think of the least beauty conscious person you know, and know that I am even less beauty conscious than that. (Unless you know me, and the person you were thinking of was me, in which case, you're spot on.)


After a full year plus a bit of manure, dirt, blood, mud, manure, dog hair, rain, manure, grass, feathers, manure, sun, wind, grit, manure, vomit, hooves, food splatter and manure, I evidently JUST NOW decided to look in a mirror. And let me tell you, I have really gone to the dogs. I haven't had a haircut in a year. I have permanent eye-baggage. All my clothes have holes or stains. My nails are usually ragged, broken and dirty, never mind polished. Let's not even discuss shaving. How my wonderful husband finds the fortitude just to come home every night, I'll never know.

I am taking my hot mess of a self to the S-P-A. Ladies with phony cosmetic faces will come at me from all sides with scissors and files and potions and creams. They'll peel off my exoskeleton of crud, and I will emerge fresh and new. I will bravely go forth among the denizens of Botox and collagen I will prevail*. No, it's most certainly not a permanent solution - merely a boot to the fanny which will hopefully kick me back into the human race.

* Don't worry - I'm not doing anything really weird. Just basic maintenance. ;-)


  1. Now see here, lady. If you're talking about my wife in such unflattering terms, I simply won't stand for it. If I were less a gentleman I'd have to ask you to step outside. :)

  2. Please excuse my forthcoming comment, as I have a 6yr old at home. I'm reminded of a Spongebob Squarepants episode (I've now seen at least 30 times) where Spongebob is in the "clean" camp and Patrick is in the "dirty" camp at the "Battle of Bikini Bottom" (their civil war). In the end they decide that, to paraphrase here, one must live dirt to know what clean is and vice versa.

    I hope you enjoyed an excellent time at the spa. :>)